The winds of change are coming. It started as a breeze that gently wafted across my face. A constant reminder that things are not totally settled. Swirling around me, brushing my skin. As the days passed, its intensity increased. It’s not yet gale force winds, but it’s coming. Stephen will be released from prison soon.
Time to armor up.
The best armor I know is anger. Actually, it’s the only armor I know. The Should Monster tells me that vulnerability must be my weapon of choice. Lay your soul bare. Speak your truth. But I am not ready for such exposure. The wounds are deep. Even with full armor on, I am still bleeding inside the suit from the last battle.
And yet, the armor is heavy. The burden of anger weighs oppressively on my shoulders. On my heart. It is physically taxing. It is emotionally exhausting. There has to be a better way.
One piece at a time, I remove the armor and lay down my weapon. The helmet is set aside. Now my eyes can see without obstruction. I take in the beauty around me. I shed the Leg Harness. The Chest Piece. I lay down the Gauntlet. Layer by layer, I discard what is no longer necessary.
With each removal, I feel lighter. Freer. Bare.
I save the shield for last. It has served me well. It has protected me from the onslaught. Stood guard over me. Defended the defenseless.
But I am no longer defenseless.
Along the way, I have picked up new pieces of armor that are not so heavy. I have added gratitude to my arsenal. With a thankful heart, I acknowledge all that I have, for I have much. I have children who are brave and kind. Family and friends who offer love and support daily. I have hope – always.
I have chosen to add compassion to my armor. To have concern for those who may be suffering, including Stephen. Especially Stephen. He has suffered tremendous loss. He is in the arena fighting for his life against an addictive process. Against Shame. Against grief and pain and the passing of what once was.
I am certain he has armored up. What his armor looks like remains to be seen. Whatever it is, I will join him in the arena and do my best to meet his armor with my new Coat of Arms. I am defended with…love. Love for our children, who miss their dad. Love for the history of “us” that brought me great joy. And love for the woman who, in the past, wasn’t so sure she was deserving, but now knows her worth.
Without the heaviness of armor, love can win.